Posted by: raisethecatalyst | August 19, 2013

3 tears for the blue and black….

If you are reading this, you know the struggle. You know the pain, the sudden changes in schedules, the pissed off customers and the long holiday hours.

You are accustomed to the drama, the gossip, the news of pregnancy or the sudden loss of a family member. Whether you’ve worked here for almost a decade or just a few months, you know it all.

Ross has given me all of the above. I feel like I’ve experienced more life lessons there then I would have had anywhere else. It’s kind of scary, but it’s sweet. If I were to work anywhere else, I’m almost positive that it would have been too easy. I would have never had a reason to stand up to management and just say “no” to closing for them after I had been there since morning. I would have never had the guts to tell a customer that they can NOT have cash back even though they paid with a debit card for a return. I would have not found the need to say “Yeah I’m a Christian” if the conversation called for it OR to briefly explain my reasoning of celibacy when I was given the crazy looks. And I would have probably, never in my life had such dysfunctional love bonds that I have with some of my associates. Not ever.

I am a firm believer that God placed me in the store of 0521 to obtain a different view of Him, of people and of myself. He needed to show me how to be calm in hectic situations, with rude customers and the multiple personalities of co-workers that I have dealt with in the past 3 years. I went from being overly passive to being somewhat bold in who I am. Although it probably isn’t displayed that way, I know the changes and the choices that I’ve had to make to get to that point. I grew up at Ross, in my faith and who I am before you today. I’m not finished, but I’m a lot better than what I was before. Every day I punch in my associate number I open myself to new opportunities of growth. I drink it in and let it permeate my soul and walk away every night trying to dissect what happened that day or that week or that month. I’ve seen so many different types of people walk through those doors that I almost feel like I’ve see all the faces that God created with his hand, but that’s not true.


There is more for me to see and learn and grow from, which is why I have decided to resign from Ross. Yes, my season I believe has FINALLY come to a beautiful end. And the crazy thing about it is, I have no back up plan. I don’t have  a new job to hop right into, I just have…nothing. Is it scary? Yes, very. I’m always the girl who has a plan for her day or life. I don’t like to be caught off guard by randomness, it’s just something that’s not in my nature. Although I can be sort of random myself. But this wasn’t like a spur of the moment decision. I’ve actually been mulling over the idea for months now, that I felt that I had to have a plan for the after effects. Because honestly, what nutcase just decides to leave her job with nothing to fall back on? I do, apparently. About a year or two ago I found out that I have a passion for people and helping them in tough situations in life. I like the hear their hearts and encourage them. I like to get to know them over good food and conversation. I like to serve them the best way I know how and that’s how I show my love to God: by loving the broken-hearted or the unlovable. It’s how he loved me and it’s how I want to live my life. I want to counsel, I want to speak life and love over people and that’s kind of a hard thing to do while working at a place like Ross. I’m not saying it will be super easy outside of it, but working there was making it sort of hard to do. I felt limited to a strict schedule, distracted and frustrated. I enjoy serving for Celebrate Recovery with the Landing and serving at 212. I want to do more but I just can’t.

I want to be readily open to what new adventures God has in store for me, I want to learn more about what he needs of me, no distractions. I don’t know where I will work next. I stopped applying for jobs because I didn’t want to work for a place where I wasn’t passionate about.

But I will never forget Ross. I will never ever forget my friends that I have laughed with, or maybe cried with, thrown nubs at or had random movie quote moments. I can’t forget the jokes we’ve cracked on each other or laughing at the dumb complaints from customers. I can’t forget that. I refuse.

I want to let all of my co-workers know this: I love every single one of you in a different way. You guys have so much more to achieve and I believe that you fully have what it is to be whatever it takes. Don’t allow Ross to keep you in a position of feeling like you can’t be what your heart craves to be. I see something special in all of you and so does God. Like my dad used to say “Keep your feet on the ground, but keep reaching for the stars”

Don’t stay stuck. I love you, chumps ❤



Posted by: raisethecatalyst | May 3, 2013

A Moment of Honesty

It’s almost 4am and I can’t sleep. Not sure if it’s because of the lack of food I had yesterday (which was none) or if God is making me deal with myself and won’t let me sleep until I do.

Which feels like a constant thing these past couple of days. Fabulous.

I’ve kind of disappeared from the tumblr/word press world regarding any personal posts on my life. I find it hard to do on my phone with text messages and distractions. And I’ve had a hard time concentrating on my laptop as well. But not tonight.

I’m not sure what was the last thing I posted (and I’m too lazy to look) but since then the following has happened since 2013 started:

  • My brother has been arrested. Twice.
  • I’m leading a group to Hong Kong with my amazing new friend, Mike
  • My brother has moved out.
  • I’m now 24 years of age (April 11th whoop whoop)
  • I’ve relapsed with pornography.

I can go into detail about the majority of this, but it may take a while. All I can say is that the things regarding my brother has/have/are bringing a lot of good things with my family. He’s a better and healthier person (no drugs) and he’s growing up. Although he’s 18 years old, he seems more of the adult than myself, but I’m proud of him. Me getting older has been a plus I guess, I don’t mind being my age and I won’t mind being any other age in the years to come, God willing. And the trip to Hong Kong…we all know how much I love that city, so I really don’t need to elaborate 😉


Now to the pornography. I started up again in January shortly after a new years party with my friends. I think the reality of my loneliness and my thoughts before the relapse was what triggered it. When you see some of your friends, even when it’s not in the right circumstances, making out with each other (drunk), it doesn’t do too well in you. I started feeling the loneliness again. I longed for someone to kiss  at midnight or to hold me in general. Someone that I was attracted to and that was attracted to me, basically a ego boost.

Somewhere along the line, the thought of sex came into play and all the things of my past came rushing back. I tried suppressing them, beating them with an iron rod. But it didn’t work. I was feeling pretty crappy after two holidays in a row (both resulting in me passing out, slightly tipsy on my friends’ couch.) I felt like I had let God down and honestly I haven’t really been the same since. I’ve looked at porn on and off since then and there is this shame that lightly kisses me when I enter the church doors most Sundays. I have spoken with people about it, generally at Celebrate Recovery. I haven’t asked for help, I just spill my guts out and leave it there for someone to turn their nose at or to spill as well. 

Every time I look at porn, I pray afterwards. I feel like crap, but last night I didn’t pray. I just fell asleep. I woke up 2 hours ago feeling the regret of my actions. But not shame. 

When I went to a woman’s conference a few weeks ago, I learned that when you think about things long enough you eventually act on it. I think last year, I thought so much of not looking at porn that I didn’t. Towards the end, I started thinking about it again, only there was a desire for it. It began a domino effect. It started with family issues and the need to release my stress, then porn became a coping mechanism and then it just became a desire  Everything family wise is great but internally. I have no one to blame but myself. I feel like a mess all over again. And even though I want to turn God, part of me really doesn’t. Is that okay for me to say? Is that too transparent or shall I coat with with some sugar? I’m not saying that God can’t help restore me back to the days where having a year of sobriety was my  trophy and encouraging people to push through their sexual addictions was my goal. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be restored. But I believe that the process of recovery was something that I still leaned on myself and not so much on God. It was my cover up. My good girl face. In all my transparency, I still wasn’t transparent. I said what I needed to say to to diminish who I used to be and bring on the redeemed face.

That’s the truth. And that’s all I can give anyone. I had/have to be honest with myself before doing it with others.

Now I’m back to square one. And I’m happy with it, because it’s real this time.

Posted by: raisethecatalyst | February 27, 2013

Posted by: raisethecatalyst | January 16, 2013

Help Candice go to China

In regards to my last post, if you would like to make a donation for my friend, please got to this website and make out any money donation that you can. In the “message box” Put in her name, Candice Blake.

Thank you so much and God Bless