Posted by: raisethecatalyst | May 3, 2013

A Moment of Honesty

It’s almost 4am and I can’t sleep. Not sure if it’s because of the lack of food I had yesterday (which was none) or if God is making me deal with myself and won’t let me sleep until I do.

Which feels like a constant thing these past couple of days. Fabulous.

I’ve kind of disappeared from the tumblr/word press world regarding any personal posts on my life. I find it hard to do on my phone with text messages and distractions. And I’ve had a hard time concentrating on my laptop as well. But not tonight.

I’m not sure what was the last thing I posted (and I’m too lazy to look) but since then the following has happened since 2013 started:

  • My brother has been arrested. Twice.
  • I’m leading a group to Hong Kong with my amazing new friend, Mike
  • My brother has moved out.
  • I’m now 24 years of age (April 11th whoop whoop)
  • I’ve relapsed with pornography.

I can go into detail about the majority of this, but it may take a while. All I can say is that the things regarding my brother has/have/are bringing a lot of good things with my family. He’s a better and healthier person (no drugs) and he’s growing up. Although he’s 18 years old, he seems more of the adult than myself, but I’m proud of him. Me getting older has been a plus I guess, I don’t mind being my age and I won’t mind being any other age in the years to come, God willing. And the trip to Hong Kong…we all know how much I love that city, so I really don’t need to elaborate 😉

 

Now to the pornography. I started up again in January shortly after a new years party with my friends. I think the reality of my loneliness and my thoughts before the relapse was what triggered it. When you see some of your friends, even when it’s not in the right circumstances, making out with each other (drunk), it doesn’t do too well in you. I started feeling the loneliness again. I longed for someone to kiss  at midnight or to hold me in general. Someone that I was attracted to and that was attracted to me, basically a ego boost.

Somewhere along the line, the thought of sex came into play and all the things of my past came rushing back. I tried suppressing them, beating them with an iron rod. But it didn’t work. I was feeling pretty crappy after two holidays in a row (both resulting in me passing out, slightly tipsy on my friends’ couch.) I felt like I had let God down and honestly I haven’t really been the same since. I’ve looked at porn on and off since then and there is this shame that lightly kisses me when I enter the church doors most Sundays. I have spoken with people about it, generally at Celebrate Recovery. I haven’t asked for help, I just spill my guts out and leave it there for someone to turn their nose at or to spill as well. 

Every time I look at porn, I pray afterwards. I feel like crap, but last night I didn’t pray. I just fell asleep. I woke up 2 hours ago feeling the regret of my actions. But not shame. 

When I went to a woman’s conference a few weeks ago, I learned that when you think about things long enough you eventually act on it. I think last year, I thought so much of not looking at porn that I didn’t. Towards the end, I started thinking about it again, only there was a desire for it. It began a domino effect. It started with family issues and the need to release my stress, then porn became a coping mechanism and then it just became a desire  Everything family wise is great but internally. I have no one to blame but myself. I feel like a mess all over again. And even though I want to turn God, part of me really doesn’t. Is that okay for me to say? Is that too transparent or shall I coat with with some sugar? I’m not saying that God can’t help restore me back to the days where having a year of sobriety was my  trophy and encouraging people to push through their sexual addictions was my goal. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be restored. But I believe that the process of recovery was something that I still leaned on myself and not so much on God. It was my cover up. My good girl face. In all my transparency, I still wasn’t transparent. I said what I needed to say to to diminish who I used to be and bring on the redeemed face.

That’s the truth. And that’s all I can give anyone. I had/have to be honest with myself before doing it with others.

Now I’m back to square one. And I’m happy with it, because it’s real this time.

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Responses

  1. It’s this kind of honesty with ourselves and with God that makes a difference, and this kind of honesty with each other that allows us to help others through struggles. Sugar-coating it, as you say, or denying it outright, only holds us back and distances us from God. Or that’s how I see it, at least.

    I struggle most with pride, that insidious, deadly spiral, but the pattern you describe is the same. I get better, then I stop relying so much on God and I start trusting in my own strength (sometimes even without realizing it) and then I am back to where I started, or worse.
    God only knows why He is so patient with me, but I am thankful that He is. Otherwise, I’d be without hope. I guess all of humanity would be without hope, because I think we all have these cycles. Maybe if we were more honest about them, we’d be able to encourage each other better.

    Though we know things ourselves, hearing it from others makes a difference. God won’t give up on either of us, no matter how many times He has to pick us up or turn us around. I don’t think He is standing in judgement, but rather is waiting with His hand out for us to take it again. It is as if every time I let go and wander off or stumble, He pauses and waits for me to realize, again, that I don’t want to try and walk this road without Him.


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